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Delays on the subway are the worst on days like today…

Sitting in a car with nothing to look at but a row full of strangers that have scowls chiseled onto their faces.

Days like today when work is long and tiresome. When my best is just not enough. When feelings of inadequacy and rejection are the only things going through my head. When the only thing I want to do is go home.

I sit there, turning the music up on my hand-me-down iPod as loudly as my busted headphones can muster, trying to drown out those negative thoughts. And then it happens.

I feel one drop fall. Then another.

Damn it…I think to myself. I probably look insane, crying like this in a public place.

I wipe frantically at my eyes and look around nervously. One lady sitting across from me pretends that she doesn’t see me and averts her gaze.

I take in a deep breath and empty my mind again. But those thoughts scream louder than my blasting music.

Why is this so hard? I wonder quietly. Another drop falls.

I put my sunglasses on.

Breathe. I command myself.

By the time I get home, it’s past 10:00.

And once the door shuts behind me, the tears fall freely, and I clutch my chest as strange sounds come tumbling out of my throat.

The many delays in my life are getting harder and harder to deal with.

God, be my strength when I am too tired to keep going.
Savior, defeat the overwhelming sadness that tears at my heart.
Daddy, be my Comfort and Refuge when I’m feeling weak.

As I fall downhill on days like today, please carry me to a place where I can look behind me and see my worries far away and from a higher perspective.

A Cartoon Stuck in a Real Girl’s Body

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July 2010