I’ve been so tired.
I suppose I could blame the long work hours…the consistent lack of sleep…feeling depressed from recent events…having to work out late at night…struggling to figure out where I am going in the next year…or…even, just being lonely.
But in reality, I know what the problem is, and what it has always been.
It started (again) two months ago. Every single morning before work, I’ve been waking up exactly 30 minutes before I have to leave the door, and snooze-buttoning in every minute I can afford.
But even when I am rushing through the few minutes I have to get ready, I have found time to open my computer and check my Facebook. I actually looked forward to the satisfaction of the comments and “likes” my posts generated and have often felt intense disappointment when there are none. I was using Facebook as a means to receive attention. To receive some sort of validation. And sadly, this addiction was doubly a distraction from everything else that was actually important.
Last night, as I tossed in bed, wide awake and anxious about something that (in hindsight) wasn’t worth losing sleep over…and the first thing I did was reach over and grab my laptop to see if anyone wrote.
But before I could open the lid, I stopped in horror when I realized that I was running to a social networking website to seek comfort. And in that moment of stillness, my hand frozen on the cover of my MacBook, and my eyes wide in the darkness, I felt God quietly whisper my name.
And it slapped me in the face when I realized Who I was ignoring all this time. I took my computer off of my bed and rolled over, staring wildly into the off-white ceiling.
“I haven’t had a quiet time in two months…” I muttered in shock.
Taking a deep breath, I continued: “I have no motivation to do anything but work, work out a little, and go online…”
In frustration, I spoke louder into the night. “I haven’t been able to come up with a single comic, finish my last painting, or even lose the small amount weight I set a goal to lose. I haven’t been doing ANYTHING.”
“I am apathetic because I have no inspiration. I have no inspiration because I have no passion. I have no passion because I have no purpose. I have no purpose because I am not close to You.” These things I’ve known since high school were coming full circle to me again, almost a decade later.
I looked over at my sleeping MacBook and felt sick when my stomach churned with longing to open it…was I that far away from God that I valued what others said over what He has planned for me?
This wasn’t right. I’ve done this before…exactly one year ago…and yet I’ve made the same mistake again. How many times was I going to go through this cycle?
With only a short month away from going to Haiti, I know that I have to nip this in the bud a lot earlier than I may have allowed before. I need to be prepared for this trip in every sense. Physically, mentally, emotionally…and especially spiritually.
My apologies to all those people who actually did enjoy my FB posts, but for now, getting off of Facebook and focusing on developing this blog/website and my comics is the first step of my (as my beloved Professor Art Lubetz would always say) “taking mental Exlax to clear my creative constipation.”
And…I suppose getting back on my quiet times in the morning will be the hot water bottle that’ll help ease the pain from the aftermath of my painful cleansing process…and provide the comfort I need when the other stuffs in life try to get me down.